Denis Boyd, R. Psych. is an author and therapist specializing in grief, marriage and stress. He was recently invited on CTV Morning Liveto talk about “Beating the Holiday Blues”. Denis shares simple ideas about how to cope after a loss and how to ease stress during the holiday season. In this interview, Denis suggests;
~ Making time to rest
~ Taking it easy
~ Writing down past memories
~ Accepting anniversary grief
~ Giving the gift of time
Here are a more detailed articles by Denis called “Christmas Blues” and “Post Holiday Blues” that talk about coping through the holiday season. I hope that you are able to find moments of peace this busy Christmas…
Are you part of that glorious holy night? I wonder . . . .what Christmas in Heaven is like
~ “Christmas In Heaven” lyrics
I began seeing a Grief Counsellor a month after Keaton died. She listened to me with compassion, looked at my son’s photos and mementos and also took the time to read my poems and articles.
It was a relief to get things off my mind for that short hour. During my appointments, I could express my sadness and pain in a raw and honest way and never felt the pressure to “be strong” or pretend like everything was ok; I was allowed to just “be”. Thankfully, she never seemed to get tired of hearing about my son. What a blessing it was to be able to talk to someone who understood that my grief needed to be expressed rather than supressed, especially during the holiday season.
As our first Christmas without Keaton approached, I got an email from my counsellor saying that she had a little Christmas gift for us. It turns out she had ordered a CD with a single song on it called “Christmas In Heaven” by Sarah Schieber. I was touched by her kindness and after reading the lyrics, the song began to mean a lot to me.
The story behind this song is full of hope and healing at Christmas time after losing a loved one. Sarah is a bereaved wife and in this song, she fondly thinks about what Christmas in heaven must be like – something I’ve often wondered myself. I thought I would share this beautiful music with you…
2008 words and music by Jeremy Johnson and Paul Marino
December hasn’t changed This town looks the same They still light that tree in the city square There’s red, white, and green shining everywhere And I wish you were here And I wonder . . .
CHORUS: Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold? Are the mansions all covered in white? Are you singing with angels Silent Night? I wonder . . . what Christmas in Heaven is like
There’s a little manger scene Down on Third and Main I must have walked right by it a thousand times But I see it now in a different light Cause I know you are there And I wonder . . .
Are you kneeling with shepherds before Him now? Can you reach out and touch His face? Are you part of that glorious holy night? I wonder . . . .what Christmas in Heaven is like
Recently, I discovered a new Christmas song,Hallelujah (Light Has Come) by a group of talented sisters. The band is called BarlowGirl.The title brought back memories of when we saw Keaton for the last time and I sung “Hallelujah” to him.I wanted to sing a lullaby for him before saying goodbye, and these were the only words I could remember at the time.
When I found this particular music video, it was still early November. Christmas songs already? Wasn’t it Halloween just a few days ago?I stared at the title on BarlowGirl’s site and debated whether or not to press play.I suspect I was resisting the thought of Christmas coming up so quickly. Last year, I still wasn’t in the mood to listen to many Christmas songs at all.
But as I sat there with my finger hanging over the mouse, something inside urged me to go ahead and listen. When the melody started and the first few notes were played, the music seemed to start out like a sad, but beautiful love ballad which was a bit unexpected.
H-m-m-m my baby…heaven sent You to me
The words drew me in and instinctively, I took a deep breath and braced myself as I continued to watch the video. Uh oh, here we go…do I really want to experience this right now? By the second verse, I was completely captivated and there was no turning back. I gave myself no choice but to listen to the entire song.
If you are a babylost parent, I have to warn you, the following lines were especially touching. I pretty much held it together until I heard these words:
Do you hear the Angels
Sing for You my baby
As the song ended, I was pleasantly surprised by my reaction. I wiped the mist in my eyes with the back of my hand, and promptly clicked “replay” brave enough to hum along quietly this time. “What a beautiful Christmas Lullaby”, I thought to myself.
As I turned the volume up and began to absorb the music, I realized that something had changed since last year. I felt noticeably different and was finally able to “let go” of the need to protect myself and avoid Christmas music.
On one level, the song could merely stand as a timeless lullaby. It could have been sung by any mother in awe of her newborn cuddled peacefully in her arms.But this was a Christmas song and when you pay attention to the words, they describe how Blessed Mary must have felt holding Baby Jesus the night He was born.
I can imagine how she tenderly held her baby boy close to her heart, grateful for this gift.This child is the long awaited Messiah, sent from heaven?It must have been an overwhelming experience for this humble young mother to welcome kings and shepherds and seeing them bow to her boy.
Alyssa, Rebecca and Lauren, the three sisters that make up the praise band BarlowGirl, croon in perfect harmony with one another. It is evident that they have a lot of passion for their Christian faith. Hallelujah (Light Has Come)is a song full of hope and promise, and yet, there is an unmistakable element to this Christmas song that is soulful and sad.
Perhaps it is a way of hinting that the Blessed Mother knew to cherish these early moments with Baby Jesus knowing that one day, she would have to give her beloved Son up.
Hmmm my baby
Heaven sent You to me
All the world’s been praying
Who will Save?
But who am I
That here tonight
I hold the One
Who’ll bring us life
Hallelujah, We’ve been found A child is born To save us now, Jesus
Hallelujah light has come
A Saviour who will set us free
A promise for those who believe Do you hear the Angels
Sing for You my baby
Men and kings have come to
Bow to You
But here in my arms
So close to me The son of God Now all can see
Hallelujah, we’ve been found A child is born to save us now Jesus
We usually like to attend evening Mass at our Parish. Faith-filled young adults from the local Catholic college also come to this service which is really nice to see.We love singing the mixture of traditional and contemporary music led by thetalented and upbeat youth choir.
Yesterday, we decided to go to morning Mass which is popular with younger families and thus the pews are filled with adults and children of all ages. Sometimes the choir sings hymns which are appealing to the younger children as they can easily follow along and sing the melody. A good example was the entrance song that we sung, a beautiful repetition of one simple phrase;
Prepare ye the way of the Lord…
Before lighting the Advent candles, Father called God’s “little people” aged 3 yrs. – 7 yrs., up to the front to gather for the Children’s Liturgy. I was busy craning my neck to catch a glimpse of the excited children as they scurried towards the Advent wreath, when it suddenly dawned on me — Keaton will be 3 yrs. old next month.
“Keaton should be there with all of them too” I whispered to my husband who sat beside me; I tilted my head slightly towards the group of children. He looked at me knowingly, squeezed my hand and nodded.I did my best to hide my emotions and quickly wiped the few unexpected tears away as Mass continued.
I couldn’t help but think about the little milestones that would have been celebrated in our family. Next month, our son would have been old enough to be to be a part of the Children’s Liturgy and listen to the Gospel in kid-friendly language. He would be one of those sweet boys and girls who would come running back to the pews, with a brightly coloured picture or craft in his hand eager to show us what he learned from the teachers. We would be the ones to look over our shoulders to make sure Keaton found his way back to us, kiss him on the head upon his return and admire the beautiful, messy artwork that he proudly would have presented…
As I thought of my son, I wondered what he must be doing in heaven. Do they have Children’s Liturgy there? Jesus must teach our children Himself, right?Does Keaton already know all he needs to know? What if-
And almost mid-thought, I was no longer distracted. I felt the Holy Spirit re-directing my attention to the readings as they were being spoken out loud. I was keenly aware of the following words as I listened;
Comfort, comfort my people, says your God…. He will feed his flock like a shepherd, he will gather the lambs in his arms, he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.
But do not ignore this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day…. But according to his promise we wait for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells. Therefore, beloved, since you wait for these, be zealous to be found by him without spot or blemish, and at peace.
As it is written in Isaiah the prophet, “Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, who shall prepare thy way;…John the baptizer appeared in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins…I have baptized you with water; but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”
*From EWTN for Dec.4, 2011. Note bold emphasis is my own.
Fittingly, the first Communion Hymn that was sung was “Like A Shepherd“
Like a Shepherd He feeds His flock
and gathers the lambs in His arms
Holding them carefully close to His heart,
leading them home….
Let’s just say, the scripture readings and Communion Hymn spoke for themselves and I no longer felt a need to wonder and try to figure out what Keaton was doing. My son was in the arms of Jesus and at the same time, our son was also very much with us as well.
December 28 2011 –Infant Loss Memorial Service at St. Ann’s Parish, Abbotsford
For the second year, St Ann’s Parish (33333 Mayfair Ave Abbotsford) will host a special remembrance on the Feast of the Holy Innocents, December 28th. Mass is at 7pm, reception to follow.
This service is for parents and loved ones of all babies lost to miscarriage, pre-term birth, stillbirth, and infant death. Anyone who is grieving due to post abortion trauma is also welcome.
Bereaved parents, friends and other family members are invited to come and celebrate the all-too-brief lives of their dearly loved and missed babies. Please visit St. Ann’s Parish website for future bulletins and more details as the feast day draws nearer.
2010 Program and white angel memento given to families
Here is an account of what I experienced at this service last year:
Celebration of Life Remembrance Service Dec. 28th
Bereaved parents, family members and friends were invited to the Celebration of Life Remembrance Service at St. Ann’s Parish in Abbotsford to honour infants and babies who have died during pregnancy, at birth and shortly after birth. On this day, the Feast of the Holy Innocents has been set aside in some Christian traditions to remember little ones who have died much too soon.
In the program, a number of quotes and scriptures were included, but the one that struck me the most was the following by Mother M. Angelica. When I started reading this quote, the words resonated deep within and my eyes got teary even before the service started:
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
Mother M. Angelica
St. Ann's Book of Life
I cried quite a few tears that evening, but they were healing tears rather than bitter tears of despair that I cried in the many months immediately after my son’s death.
During the service Father James Hughes, Pastor at St. Ann’s acknowledged that the Christmas season may not be a joyful time of celebration for all families, especially those mourning the loss of a child. It was his hope that remembrance Masses like these would help bring hope and healing to grieving parents and family members.
What I found particularly touching was the part of the remembrance celebration when parents and siblings were invited to light a candle in memory of our little one(s). We all gathered at the entrance way and one by one, about 30 of us lit a candle carefully cradling our tiny light and carrying it up to the table. It was a beautiful sight to see all of the votives placed together creating a soft flickering glow for the remainder of the Mass.
Thank you Jody and Karen for requesting this special service. To Father James and St. Ann’s Parish, we appreciate you setting aside this time for us to gather together to love, remember and honour our children especially during the holidays.
Pls. note: An Elizabeth Minister will be at this event, email: info(at)littlelightofheaven(dot) com if you would like to meet at this event.
I’ve met some new babylost moms this year and my thoughts are with them; I know this will be a tough holiday season. I welcome you to join me in sending prayers to these bereaved families as this will be their 1st Christmas without their little ones.
Here are some thoughts about what helped us as we celebrated our son’s first Christmas with Jesus. It was written in December 2009.
MerryChristmas,Baby!
Gardens of Gethsemani Cemetery at Christmas a place of prayer, comfort and Nativity Spirit too
(Original article published in The B.C. Catholic January 4, 2010)
We were not quite sure how to celebrate Christmas this year, and to be honest, I didn’t even know if I had the heart to.We still planned to attend Mass of course, and spend time with family, but other than putting out the Nativity scene and a stocking for our son, I did not want to decorate the house this year.
A few weeks ago, we drove up to this beautiful spot, and experienced first-hand the true spirit of Christmas.It simply took my breath away.“K-e-a-t-o-n,…..look!”I whispered, and quickly scrambled out the car door.My husband was only a few steps behind.When we finally stood in the middle of it all, tears were streaming down my face.We kept scanning the scenery around us in awe, and our hearts were filled with joy!
Upon first glance, this may look like a regular park or yard decorated for this cheerful Christmas season.There are candy canes on the fence, bright big bows glinting in the trees, and red and white poinsettias lined up perfectly.This is a photo of Gardens of Gethsemani cemetery, and more specifically, Rachel’s Garden where the infants and children are buried.This is also where we laid our baby boy Keaton Dominic to rest in January.Our son died at birth on Jan. 16th, 2009 and this year would have been baby’s first Christmas.
At Keaton’s funeral, a woman whom I did not know approached me before Mass.She had tears in her eyes and sadly said, “You don’t know me, but I am also a parishioner here at St. Nicholas.I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby boy…it has been awhile, but we also lost our son before he was born.”She gave me a big tight hug, and in that instant, it felt as if I had found a long lost friend.
This mother later told me that every year for Advent, someone lovingly takes time to decorate the children’s area at Garden’s of Gethsemani.For over 10 years, this person voluntarily trims the trees with wreaths and bows, and a generous bunch of poinsettias are carefully placed at each of the infant gravesites.My husband and I want to thank this person for remembering our children at Christmas.God bless you!It is so nice to be able to openly celebrate our heavenly children, but more so this time of year.
To those who are grieving the death of a baby or child:I am sorry that your little one is not here with you.Our little saints are very much alive in heaven, and waiting for us!I find comfort, and peace knowing that God loves all of his children, but now know that Christmas time can be bittersweet.No matter how long it has been since the death of our loved ones, we will still miss them during the celebration of Our Lord Jesus’ birth at Christmas.
Merry Christmas children, give Baby Jesus our love. Please pray for us, and ask the Blessed Mother to hold and take care of you until we get there. Love always, your faithful and loving parents.
In honour of adoption awareness month, check out these interviews part I and part II for the “Pulse” series at Northview Church…they are inspirational!
It is Halloween, the night before All Hallows or All Saints’ Day.As I write this, various firecrackers and fireworks can be heard screeching, ‘ka-booming’ and crackling throughout the neighbourhood.The chatter of excited children are in the background.On this nippy October evening, it is not surprising that we’ve had dozens of trick o’treaters at our door already.
I always enjoy handing out the candy; the delight on the little painted faces when I hold the bowl of treats in front of them is priceless. But I understand how Halloween can be such a sad time for babylost parents.For example, one bereaved parent that I know came up with the term “Boo-humbug” to express her feelings about Halloween.For us, the last few years have been more difficult of course, but for some reason, there is a part of me that still enjoys seeing the children and I feel compelled to be the one to give out candy in our household.
The toddlers dressed up in warm, fuzzy costumes make my heart melt like chocolate. This year, my favourite costumes were a chicken, bumble bee, and fairy. This evening, when I heard a light knock at the door, that sounded about knee-high, I braced myself because I knew it was likely a smaller child around Keaton’s age, who would greet me with a smiley “twick-o-tweet!”. Awww, they were all so cute!
I imagine Keaton – who would be around 3 yrs. old now – would have enjoyed going to the pumpkin patch and getting his photos taken. I know he would have ran around with the other kids, picking out a pumpkin that was just his size and we would have taken it home and carved a friendly face on it together. My guess is that our son would have been a cutie hanging out with his 6 month old “dinosaur” cousin, all dressed up in a costume too.I wonder what Keaton would be like right now? What costume would we have chosen for him?
But, what if Halloween represented much more than just dressing up in costumes and running around the neighbourhood trying to get as much candy as possible? From my Filipino roots, I knew that relatives spent time at the cemetery around this time of year and today, I wanted to learn more about what this was all about.It turns out that in certain cultures, All Hallows begins at midnight on Oct.31st and marks the beginning of All Saints’ Day and celebrations for the Day of The Dead.
Solemnity of All Saints
The Feast of All Saints’ is celebrated by Catholics and other Christians on Nov.1stin honour of all Saints who are known and unknown.In Mexico, deceased infants and children or “angelitos” (little angels) are remembered and honoured on this first day of celebration also called Día de los Inocentes (“Day of the Innocents”).Click hereto read about ways to honour and remember relatives who have passed on and for more specific prayers that can be said.
As for me, I’ll be attending Mass tomorrow and visiting my little angelito at his gravesite. I will also be praying for bereaved parents and taking time to remember the heavenly saints whom we know, love and adore. Happy All Saints’ Day children…
If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died–you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.
October is Infant and Child Death Awareness Month. The annual Infant Loss Remembering Service is scheduled to take place on Sat. Oct.15, 2011 at 1pm and is presented by the support group Mourning Mothers.
This Remembering Service will be held at the “Baby Tree” at Langley Lawn Cemetery, 4393 208 St. for parents and family members grieving the loss of an infant. Mourning Mothers has also dedicated a plaque near this special tree in memory of babies who have died during pregnancy.
Last year was the first year I attended the event and it was a beautiful gathering. We were invited to light candles and write the names of our children on wooden signs and place them on one of the branches of the Baby Tree.Large and colourful butterflies complimented the fall leaves that also adorned the tree.
Flower petals were given to each person to spread around the angel figurines near the plaque and families were welcome to say a prayer and share short speeches. The ceremony concluded with the release of doves.It was truly breathtaking to watch the white flock of birds gracefully circle above us before flying up towards heaven.
For more info, call Susan at 604-575-031-three. The service is non-denominational.
* Please visit the Little Light of Heaven Events page for other upcoming events and have a blessed Thanksgiving weekend.
