I was feeling a little melancholy the other day and didn’t realize why until a few days ago. Last week Keaton would have turned 2 yrs. old and 9 months. Not a major “angelversary” date per say, but it goes to show how quickly the heart never forgets. I’m suspect I am bracing myself for his 3rd birthday… To help soothe this familiar ache, I turn to music.
Songs can be so powerful and can have a way of tapping into and expressing the emotions that dwell deep within. The chords, lyrics and images that songs can create have the ability to add colour and wisdom to words that we may not be able to come up with on our own.
After my son died, I searched for music to commiserate with. I needed a healthy distraction and was drawn to praise songs that validated my sadness, yet offered comfort in my despair.
One particular video, I re-played over and over again, and to this day, it is still one of my favourites. “I Will Carry You” by Selah (see lyrics below) illustrates a sad and all too familiar story; however, it also shares an inspirational message of hope after the devastation of losing a child.
As time lapsed and months rolled by, the heaviness of my grief slowly melted and surprisingly, a sense of happiness returned. J. and I were able to smile again and even laugh together without feeling guilty. Still, after almost three years, a constant sense of grief can always be felt and we’ve simply learned to integrate this into our lives. We move forward and live on with full acknowledgement that a part of us is — and always will be — missing.
This undercurrent of sadness can quickly turn from a soft gentle ripple into the fierce, angry waves that engulfed us after Keaton’s death. Even now, innocent triggers that are meaningless to everyone else, can sneak up with vengeance and the pent up storm and torrent of tears can only be held at bay for so long. I’ve learned that it is only natural to feel this way and that it is an outward sign that I love and miss my little boy.
There will still be sad days and I’ve learned to accept them, so when I feel the storm brewing, I take time to listen to music and soothe my heart by making time to cry…
Blessings,
Keaton’s Mama
I Will Carry You
By Selah
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He said…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you